to get ahead you must first fall behind~

As far as nanoing goes, my word count numbers are seriously lacking and it pains me to say that I'm nearly 4k behind where I need to be by midnight tonight. I've been struggling to get ahead of it, but in the end it's what needs to be done. As much as I love to write, and as much as I would love to make a life out of it in the future and a career of spreading my words and joys to people, I need to think realistically about right now. What my life is right now, and what it is it's not exactly pretty. 
Tomorrow will be the one month since I moved from Yakima to Lynnwood to live with my dad and just try and get a grip on my life. As much as I miss my family and my friends from back home, I honestly can't say that I regret moving. Since being in Lynnwood I've been able to clear my mind and think straight, I feel like my stress levels are better than ever and while I still have my depression spells as I naturally will, its not something I can run away from, I don't necessarily feel like a complete train wreck all the time off of my pills like I used too. I have my days where I struggle, but who doesn't? Some days I miss my family and friends more than others, but i feel it's understandable. I had to at some point get out though, I needed to start to forge my own path and that is what I'm doing.
Since being in Lynnwood I've been sending in Job applications like mad and it's seemed to be paying off in the long run now. I've got three interviews scheduled and fingers crossed they go well. Getting a job is an incredible step in my book for being up here as it was one of my major pushes into moving. You're thought and well wishes would be the best for me right now and I would appreciate all the luck I could get. 
As well as getting a job and the path that would set me on is remarkable, one thing I'm looking forward to more than anything is starting school in January. I'm going down the Edmonds Community College later this week to finish my application process and complete the placement assessment given that my FASFA has been completed and sent in and approved and now everything is my hands to work out with the school from there. 
It just feels like everything is slowly starting to fall into place for me and while my poor nano is sitting neglected with just a few hundred words a day wrote in it, I'm still writing in it every day. I'm still pushing myself to work to the best of my abilities given the things that are going down and I'm proud of myself.  I'm not disappointed in my lack of progress nor am I going to beat myself up over this, because though in one area of my life I've fallen behind, I've taken some major steps in the parts of my life that matter the most to me right this minute and that's what i've needed all this time. Some sort of sign that it was all going to be okay. 

in creating a novel ~

Yesterday hit the 7 day hump of NaNoWriMo. At this point exactly a year ago I felt alright in my writing, ahead of the game even and geared up and ready to go for the next week ready to take on the challenge head on. This year has been different, the struggle to write every day has been unbearable and it was only the first day when I fell behind and was having to be convinced not to give up. It's been an interesting ride so far, having come from behind to being caught up withe very day now. It's still a struggle to write everyday sometimes,  but the support is there and my novel is slowly starting to shape up. What had once started as a miss shaped lump of words is starting to formulate into a path, into a sort of shape that's given me something to work with. I'm still not sure how to get from point A to B most of the time and I just let the words spew out uncontrollably  but coming out on the morning of day 8 I've at least got a decent idea of what point A and B is, and ever C and D. It might not be showing that much progress as far as word count or page numbers go, but as a writer I'm making progress in my world and that is the only progress that matter ins the writing process. 
Years having passed, this being my third attempt at Nano, first year didn't go so well where as my second year last year I completed the 50k word sprint in the month. What does that mean though? A year later and all I have to show for last year's November project is 53k words, ten chapters, and 82 pages of a half spent novel. Come November thirtieth the pressure was off? Who cared if I did or didn't have a completed novel nobody was keeping track of me, nobody was harping on me every second of the day to get my word count in, i didn't have a word count. The deadlines were done, the writing time was spent and after just taking a few days off to relax from writing, I ended up falling back into a routine where my 2012 NaNo novel The Jacket lay hidden in my google doc's folder for NaNo incomplete. So, was there even a point? Was infinite bragging rights worth it if I did nothing with what I worked so hard on? Am I even worthy of these bragging rights? I don't have the answer for that...
This years Novel however is seeming to cause a much different threat to me than sitting around incomplete for the next year. In 2012 by page 20 of my novel I was at 13k words and just barely starting into chapter three. Now for my 2013 Nano at the starting page 20 I'm around the 12k mark on my words and coming to the ends of Chapter 3. This sets me about a thousand words behind, while being a chapter ahead of last years accomplishments. These are just the numerical facts that aren't so worrying on their own, but when I think about the progress I've made so far in this years project Trepidation I worry that I might be rushing my plot. I worry that when I complete NaNo this month, I might actually have a completed Novel on my hands. Then what? 
I suppose I could let it sit there for all of eternity and pretend that I never wrote it and never look back at the mess that was the curse of NaNo '13, but does't that put me in the same position of having an uncompleted novel? I fear the follow through that is necessary with the NaNo process. I'm afraid of taking my baby, that I spent so long working over and having to pick it apart down to the very last sentence structure. I fear completing the editing process and then hey, cool I have  a completed edited Novel! Now what? Do I send it off to publishers? Do I get it printed and send it on a trial run with close families and friends? What do I do?
These fears make me question why I do this every year. Why do I struggle so much for something, then have to much fear to follow through with it? Am I just not cut out for my dreams? That's not who I want to be. I want to be the person who completes her Novels, who goes on and does great things, I want my idea's to be seen, and heard, and read. If for just one moment, I could create a world, that brings tears to my readers eyes, or strikes fear in their hearts for just a moment because they got lost in it forgetting the reality around them, if it were just one person who felt this way about my writing, I will have done what I set out to do.

That, is why this year things plan to be different. Whether I end up with a completed Novel, or I end up with a mesh of words that need an ending, I don't want to give up. I won't give up, I want to see this project, and last years projects through to the end. I don't owe it to you, I don't even owe it to myself, I owe it to Colleen the main character of 2012's NaNo The Jacket and to Janie the main character of this years Novel Trepidation. 

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Current Project: Trepidation (2013 NaNoWriMo); First Draft

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